Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
