I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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