I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
