my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
How many fucks given?
0.12846
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
