apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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