Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
