we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize