My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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