I am spending my child support on dildos
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
