My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
