she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
