I think i peed on brittanys purse
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
