i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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