I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
