Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I would fuck him just for his dog
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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