My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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