I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize