Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
