so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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