it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
