I think i sorta joined a cult last night
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Dick very happy bro
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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