you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
The uberlube is also flammable
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
