Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
