There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
