My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
