didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
i need to put some appletini on your dick
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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