I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
