i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Someone shit on the floor
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I just found puke in my bra..
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
How does one acquire holy water?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
