Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
