My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i think i have herpe
just one?
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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