I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
