Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
