I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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