this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
