I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
