Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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