come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
