Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
