Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
