so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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