Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize