theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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