i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
