Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
