I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Randomize