I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
