you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
