It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
