I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You can't motorboat a personality
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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