Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
