Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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