I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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