Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
