Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
