I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
