You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
