Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
