I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
