my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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