you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
