can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
