No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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